Archive for January, 2013
Sometimes I watch the abuse that my wife endures and I am so proud of her for not throwing in the towel. Sure, the abuse is emotional, not physical. And yes, the harm done is usually unintentional; it is rooted in complete ignorance. But still, sometimes I stand in awe of the fact that my wife doesn’t just curl up in the fetal position or have a nervous breakdown.
In addition to our fun little reality (all the miscarriages, failed embryo transfers), we live in a country with very little tact. Yesterday, one of the servers at our local coffee bar struck up a cutting conversation with my wife, out of nowhere! No good morning or greeting, just…
“So, do you guys have kids?”
My wife responded with a nice smile.
“Well, you guys should have one. It’s about time, huh?”
“I suppose so.”
“No seriously, you guys should really start having a family. Kids are great. I don’t know what I’d do without my daughter.”
My wife maintained authentic, sincere care for this pathetic and ignorant individual.
“Yeah, kids are wonderful.”
“I just think you guys should have some kids. Really, it’s time for you to get started. Well, I better get back to work. Have a good day!”
My wife never broke her smile.
Like I said, I’m really proud of my wife for staying strong, even though she is forced to endure dozens of conversations, and on a regular basis! She’s amazing!
My wife has developed a new emotional outlook for dealing with infertility. I didn’t really see it coming, but I think I get understand. This evening, sitting over our vegetable soup, she explained her wishes to protect her heart from disappointment through the embryo transfers and the adoption process. She doesn’t really want to hope this time.
We are pursuing embryo adoption, and the embryos will be implanted in the next couple of months. They are going to give us fresh embryos this time, and they apparently have a 10% higher success rate (which puts our chance of success at 5%???). We also have decided together to sign up with an adoption agency, so hopefully an international adoption will be in the works in 2013.
But optimism isn’t really doing it for either of us right now. We aren’t really up for it, not because we like being pessimists, but because it seems that the higher you let yourself get your hopes up, the harder you fall. And we’ve been there done that. We’re tired of being sad. Optimism, positivism, and sharing with friends and family for their prayer support just meant that miscarriages and failed embryo transfers made our pain a little more unbearable.
So this time, my wife doesn’t want to share with anyone. She said that I can share with a few of my friends, but she is going to be a tomb with each of hers. I’m a little concerned at this point for her possibly cutting herself off from all emotional support apart from me, but I do want to respect her wishes. For now, I feel it’s my job to listen and understand her desire to protect her own heart. It has been broken so much. Poor thing.
It seems that for us, the bigger the hope, the harder we’ve fallen.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be like many couples at new years and say to one another, “You know what? Let’s have kids in 2013!” Then, of course, birth control stops and baby comes. Bada bing bada boom. Or as they say in Spain, “¡ya está!”
Well, if you’d just take a quick look up the title of my blog, you’d realize that philosophy didn’t really work for us…in 2007…in 2008…in 2009…in 2010… in 2011… or in 2012.
In spite of all this, I still like to think of a new year in terms of game plans. Of course, due to multiple doctors confirming its sheer impossibility, I no longer think game plans with biological children. But I still like to plan and dream. Maybe it’s my type A mentality coming out, or maybe I have too much time on my hands. In the past these “game plan talks” had seemed to drive my wife batty, but this year she really wanted one. Does this just mean we just suckers for punishment and we just don’t know when to say “mercy!” and move on? Who knows? The most important thing probably is that we are together moving forward.
So here it is: we are still going to try for a kiddoes in 2013. My lovely bride will go to the doctor this month to discuss another embryo transfer in February. We’re going to try and pretend it’s not even happening; we want life as normal so that if all fails we can keep stride in normal life. We’re not even going to tell anyone. We are also going to start the paper work for international adoption, with sights on Ethiopia. If the embryo transfer fails, hopefully the adoption process won’t. If the international adoption fails, hopefully an embryo implants successfully. If neither works, well, there is always 2014. (Do I sound like a cubs fan or what??)